10 Practical Ways to Ask for Help When Battling Cancer or Illness
For whatever reason, it can be so difficult to ask for help, even if it’s entirely warranted, even if you’ve gone through cancer, if you’re currently going through treatment, if you’re experiencing a chronic condition, or just having a rough time. Maybe it’s something about independence or maybe it’s just not being used to asking for help because we rarely do it. You may think, shouldn’t they know that if I’m going through something difficult I’ll need help?
Some people might be aware, usually the ones who are by default more considerate, the caretakers of the group or family. Or the ones who’ve dealt with a friend or family member going through the same thing. But mostly, people won’t know. And it would be more difficult for people to pick up on clues that you need help if you’re not open about what you are going through.
When a person is going through something challenging like cancer treatment, recently getting a cancer diagnosis, finding a sense of normalcy after treatment, or struggling with mental health, our emotional states can change very quickly. It can change quicker than it did before the condition because life is unstable, so we feel unstable.
So, when we need help, we have to ask for it and it’s better to ask for it early on than to wait until you’re in the red zone. With that, I mean that there is a red, yellow, and green zone; green is when you’re fine; yellow is when you’re headed towards the meltdown; and red is full-on meltdown.
For Thanksgiving, I was headed to my mom’s house an hour away. I was bringing some chairs and other items to store at her house and to get them in my car by myself, it would take 4-5 trips to the car, using a flight of stairs, go through two heavy self-closing doors and leaving my car parked out in front of my apartment building with the hazard lights on. I was already on edge for whatever reason that day, which means I was in the yellow zone and the thought of having to pack up the car, then driving one hour felt overwhelming. So, I sent my mom and brother this text:
When I arrived, I went straight to my mom’s bed to rest and when my brother arrived later, he was already expecting to help me unload. Mom already knew what emotional state I was in, so I didn’t have to explain it.
Sometimes just having the script to communicate what we need so we don’t have to think about it, makes dealing with everything else much easier. Four other examples include:
1. “Could you check up on me?” Some people don’t know that you want that, some might assume that you’re OK.
2. “I’m feeling emotional and I don’t know why.” This allows the person to be more compassionate and to be better able to receive you. If you call and they don’t answer, but you really need to talk, you could send this message to let them know it’s urgent. You might just need to talk out your thoughts and cry. There’s healing in the act of crying while being witnessed by someone who cares for you and whom you trust. There is something therapeutic in someone simply holding space for you, listening and empathizing.
3. “I don’t feel like talking about that. I just went through it and retelling it means reliving it.”
4. “What I need right now is someone to listen, instead of give advice.” People tend to want to help by giving suggestions or action steps, but if you recognize what you’re looking for and communicate it, they’ll mostly do what you ask.
5. “I’m stuck on a decision and I don’t know which way to go. I need to talk it out.” This takes away pressure from the person feeling like they need to solve your problem, and it shifts the focus on the two of your having an open dialogue. Removing expectations can lighten the load in the moment and allow for better brainstorming.
6. “I’m on a _______ diet / new diet where I eat less of x, y and z and more of a, b and c. Could you help me stay on track? Steer me towards those choices when I start to go back to my old way of eating?” Your new way of eating is probably healthier than their current diet. I remember feeling like a burden to have dietary restrictions and when someone asked if I had any, I felt uncomfortable saying so.
It’s become more common for people to have food intolerances or allergies. Especially if someone is asking you about it, then they’re willing to accommodate. And if it is a big deal for them, do you really want that kind of person in your life? I’ve also noticed that overtime, people will learn the importance of diet and will make the change for their own personal reasons eventually, so you’re being a good influence.
7. “I’ve been wanting to see that new movie / visit the new exhibit, will you take me?” Remember to incorporate something to look forward to. We do enough work (and it is work) to think about what’s going to happen next medically, to schedule appointmentd, communicate with doctors’ offices about scans, blood draws, and handle insurance claims. We need to take time to enjoy what the French call “les petits riens” which means “the little nothings”; a piece of chocolate; the new almond flour crackers for an afternoon snack, or just getting to cozy up to read a leisurely book with a heating pad.
8. If you're having an especially difficult time or are expecting to, like an upcoming surgery, or loss of a loved one, plan a ahead with the responsible friend or family member. You can use mealtrain.com, it’s free.
MealTrain.com lets you organize meal-giving by allowing friends and family to sign up for and coordinate meal deliveries to someone in need. It provides a shared calendar to ensure that meals are delivered on different days and according to the recipient's preferences and dietary needs.
9. Find ways to make the help reoccurring. The chores and responsibilities we have don’t go away while we are having health struggles and coordinating help is another part of managing it all. Have a brainstorming session with a friend and make a list of all the ways that could be helpful on a regular basis. Some examples:
Childcare or pet care, whether I’m out of house or just need a break.
Come for visits and help with light cleaning, taking out the trash, dishes
Organizing home spaces for better accessibility and comfort
Weekly grocery runs or drive me to the market and help while I shop
Bi-monthly visits on Sunday afternoons to do various house tasks that come up like assemble a new table, install a shelf, change the bedding.
Drive me to my weekly medical appointments.
Take me to run errands, it can be so helpful just to have a driver pull up while I run in. Then I don’t have to deal with parking, driving, parking meters or navigation.
Come over and a have a work day with me. We work on our own devices, take breaks at the same time, and have lunch together.
10. Send them this article, so you don’t have to say it all. Different people will want to help in different ways, where one will be willing to cook, whereas, another would be more willing to drive. They can decide how they can help.
We may feel like a burden, or we may feel our needs are too complicated, but asking for help doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. One way to shift our perspective is to realize that the people who love us truly do want to help. It makes them feel good to do it.