Ten years ago, on 2/5/14, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I had chemotherapy for 4 years, and I still deal with chronic fatigue daily. Looking back at the years during treatment makes it feel surreal and so distant.
I may look fine, but it's present every single day. Some days, I feel like life with this condition is doable. Sometimes, not. When it doesn’t feel doable, I think that maybe it's from the rainy weather, the time of year when we are more susceptible to SAD, maybe I haven’t been moving as much I could be, maybe it’s that time of the month when the feelings get a little wonky.
There are times when I feel pain and as I press around for lumps, I remind myself that tumors are usually not associated with pain, so I'm probably safe, that there's no need for concern. Those who are lucky to not have this experience with cancer don't realize the mental toll of these ups and downs.
It’s a milestone to get to a place where a recurrence is not at the forefront of your thoughts. But it’s normal that the fear is still there. But it can be a motivator to make choices that are better for the body, to recognize your need for emotional support, or to feel so uncomfortable with that feeling, that it propels you to do everything you can within your control to live better, despite the outcome.
Although there are still struggles, I’ve changed my life so much for the better, and throughout, I’ve found the courage to keep moving. I started to paint and fell in love with it.
I was declared NED, No Evidence of Disease, on 2/5/16. When this day comes around, I usually have mixed feelings, marveling at the time that’s passed by, sad that I still deal with fatigue, and amazed that I’ve found my passion for art this late in life.
If you’re struggling with health or have been for some time, I hope you find the courage and the joy that comes with honoring your feelings, finding support, taking care of yourself, moving forward, changing your life, and finding something that lights you up.
“The power of our beliefs can work in either direction to become life affirming or life denying.”